Amazing Fucking Sheet Pan Chicken
“Damn, that’s a lot of shallots!”
Let’s start at the beginning.
And by the beginning, I mean all the way at the beginning. Like, at the grocery store. Because no one in her right mind actually has enough shallots at home for this. Could you use regular onions? Not if we’re going to be friends.
Quit whining and get your ass to the store.
That is literally the hardest thing about this recipe. It is ridiculously easy. So easy it inspired the category “Ridiculously Easy”. So easy it has no business being this good.
It was inspired by Jenny Tschiesche’s Sheet Pan Coq au Van which sounded like a great idea (Wine and bacon? Sign me up!) except I had no mushrooms, have a daughter that doesn’t like beans, and happened to have a fuck-ton of shallots because I had stocked up in case shallots were the next toilet paper of the pandemic.
One last thing. The skin on this chicken is literally. The. Best. Thing. Ever.
You don’t eat chicken skin? Neither did my husband before this. Now he eats it. And tries to steal mine, too. Wait a sec… Get your grubby paws off my GODDAMM CHECKEN!!! Okay, I’m back.
Go make this now. You’re welcome.
Shit You Need
Shallots. A fuck-ton. In case you need help with the conversion, that is 2.5 shit-loads.
Garlic, 5 whole cloves
Bacon, 12 oz. Thick sliced, serious gourmet shit, cut into 1/4 inch pieces. That’s right, get your ruler out, fuckers.
Herbs, ideally in sprig form. See below.
Chicken thighs. Family pack action works great here, well- sized for a sheet pan. Can you scale down? Sure, but know that I am judging you.
White wine. Something you’d want to drink. If you use trash, guess what your chicken will taste like? That’s right, the bottom of a dumpster. And you will be drinking it if you follow the directions, so to your future you I say, “See? Never question me again.”
Salt and pepper. Kosher and fresh-ground, respectively. If you cheat on the pepper I will know.
Shallots. A fuck-ton (I counted).
Keep Calm and justeffingcook
Grocery store. Shallots. You know how many. Enough that you can cover a whole sheet pan with a generous layer of those bad boys. Enough that they look at you funny at checkout. Yes, I know they’re three times as expensive as regular onions. Ever bought a cup of coffee at Starbucks? I thought so. So shut up, already.
Now go home and preheat your oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit.
Peel the shallots. Many are paired and will separate into little cloven hooves of deliciousness. Spread them across a sheet pan along with the garlic cloves. Don’t want to clean your pan? I got you. A little foil first. You’re welcome.
Scatter the pieces of bacon on top of the shallots like you’re a 2 year old on a sugar high. Throw that shit all over.
Herb time. Whatever you have on hand: rosemary, thyme, anything else from a Simon and Garfunkel song just so long as it holds up to 45 min at 400 degrees. Chives? Naw. Dill? Hell no. Tarragon? Stop wasting my time. Got your herbs? Grab an armful of boughs and scatter.
Apply the chicken thighs across your thoughtfully arranged sprigs. Just like tiling your foyer. Hold the grout.
Season: salt and pepper like you mean it. It only goes on the top of the chicken, but somehow it goes everywhere. It’s fucking magic.
Pop that sheet pan in the oven and walk away for for 20 minutes. Do some other stuff. Open that wine and have a good long drink to make sure it’s good enough.
Pour a cup or so of that wine on the bottom of the sheet pan - not over the chicken. That would fuck up the glorious crispy skin you’re about to get. Roast for 25 min.
Magic has happened. Transfer the shallots to a fancy serving dish or a horse trough, it doesn’t matter. Here’s the important bit: Pour off the sauce into the same dish, top with chicken, throw away the herbs, and toss the bacon back on the sheet pan to roast until it crisps.
Scatter bacon over your head-smacking masterpiece and enjoy!
