How To Stock Your Bar With Five Bottles
I am pleased as rum punch to introduce a new contributor to the site: JPM, aka Agent Four. I feel lucky to have enticed him away from MI5’s secretive cocktail program for what I hope will be the first of many glimpses into the thrilling world of adult beverages.
Like Mark Twain once said, the difference between the right word and the almost right word is like the difference between a lightning bug and lightning. Or as Lucius would say, it’s the difference between fuck and fuck you. Bottom line: knowing matters.
This is only the beginning and there is more for you to know.
Picture The Great Gatsby.
No, not Leonardo’s movie, I’m talking about the book.
Can you conjure that time when gentlemen wore fedoras, and women wore long satin gloves?
No?
Okay, how about Mad Men.
Or better yet, the two-martini lunches.
Those were the days of glamor.
Of luxury.
Of simpler times and simpler things.
What happened to holding the door open to a stranger?
What happened to tucking in your shirt?
What happened to shining your shoes?
What happened to a fucking gorgeous cocktail to be savored alone or with your dear friends and family?
What happened to slowing down, noticing the special moments; those moments in life that matter.
Join me.
Help me.
We need this right now.
Let’s channel parts of Gatsby or Mad Men (even if those guys were a bunch of a-holes).
Too often in life we wish we did things that we do not actually do. For many, one of those things includes making cocktails at home. I’m not talking about a fucking Jack and Coke or a putrid Seven and Seven. (A small portion of my soul actually died after writing that sentence).
I am talking about a well-crafted Old Fashioned or an exquisitely executed East India cocktail. I’m referring to elixirs that require passion and soul to craft. They have meaning and depth and history and they tell a story. They materialize only at the moment when the ingredients come together. They require more than a bottle opener or a corkscrew. You CAN make cocktails at home...and these days? Why the hell wouldn’t you?
There was a time when people, men and women, could, at the drop of a fedora or the removal of elbow length satin gloves, mix a balanced yet complex cocktail. They could sit back in a well-appointed leather chair and have a conversation while sipping a perfectly made Manhattan and allow the languid moments of a quiet evening to pass slowly into the night. Sadly, that time seems to have passed us by, like the idea of a handwritten thank you note on letter pressed eighty-pound cotton paper. Well, I am hoping you might be willing to help me bring back the joy and sophistication of that era.
To do this well, (and we here at justeffingcook.com never recommend doing anything unless you intend to do it kick-supreme-effing-ass well) you will need to gather a few critical supplies. But from a small collection comes an expansive horizon of opportunities.
Learn what you need to know to enjoy a good cocktail and pay attention to the moments in life that matter. But before the joy, before the glamour, before the sophistication happens, we need to understand the spirits.
The Spirits
Vodka
A good place to start is with a bottle of vodka. According to the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (ATF), vodka is an odorless, colorless, tasteless spirit. It is often the choice of spirit for those that don’t like the taste of alcohol. Mix it up with anything sweet and it is a simple and efficient way to get shitfaced.
Vodka is one of the oldest spirits and one that is distilled in many countries. Vodka is like a crescent wrench, it can be used to turn nuts, bolts, and screws, but you can also use it to drive in a nail, or shatter a window, or break the fingers of a captured spy or hit a wild boar as it is charging at you in the underbrush in Namibia. The lesson: Vodka is versatile. Vodkas are often a grain-based alcohol made from corn. Some vodkas are made from potatoes and yet others are made from wheat. Because vodka is supposedly “tasteless” there is no need to spend a lot of money on vodka. You can get a very balanced well distilled vodka for a decent price. Tito’s is an excellent American vodka that is made from corn. Another great option would be Belvedere vodka. Oh, and don’t forget, Vodka is an easy spirit to infuse with flavors.
Gin
In my mind, no other spirit is more underrated and misunderstood than gin. It has an incredibly rich history and played a key role in providing some light during the darkness of prohibition, yet it is so easily dismissed.
Because Gins often have such a distinct flavor profile—that heavy, medicinal juniper palette—I often hear: “I hate Gin, it tastes like I’m drinking a pine tree”. This is usually delivered by a scrunched-up face that looks like it just had a fucking lock of nose hairs forcefully extracted from it. But let me be the first to tell, you don’t know shit about Gin. Due to the great American marketing machine, most of you have enjoyed the Toyota Corolla, the Honda Civic, and the Nissan Sentra of Gins. That’s right, Bombay Sapphire, Tanqueray, and Hendricks are, well, just so cliché.
No other spirit has as broad of a flavor profile as Gin. Consequently, not all Gins are created equal. Since there are so many interesting Gins, I would argue that one may want to consider buying more than one. Put simply, the perfect Gin for a Martini (Plymouth) is not the perfect Gin for a Gimlet (Sipsmith).
I don’t have time to delve into it here; but know that there are two distinct styles: Old Tom versus London Dry. Oh, and the dryness of a Martini HAD nothing to do with the vermouth, but that is a different fucking story for a different fucking time.
One thing I suggest everyone do, is to spend some time at your favorite craft cocktail bar, chatting up the bartender. Remember though, there is a very precise way to do this, don’t fuck it up. Much like defusing a bomb, if you don’t know how to do it, then don’t. You don’t want to be that guy or gal at the bar—the one everyone hates—especially the bar tender. (I can go into that detail later) Any way ask them what their favorite Gins are and which ones they like to use in which cocktails. You just might meet a bear named St. George, who knows a Botanist from Barr Hill, who saw a rabbit covered in gunpowder, heading to Japan to fetch six botanicals. Before you know it, you will be on a Gin tasting flight that could change the trajectory of the next decade of your life if you have the gumption to be open minded. You’ll also likely be fucking wasted by the end.
And after all, isn’t life about creating and enjoying great moments?
Rum
Ah, Rum, the magic Caribbean elixir. Rum is like Captain Jack Sparrow: unapologetically carefree, capricious, concocting, conceited. Bourbon thinks Rum doesn’t give a fuck. And Rum doesn’t give a fuck what Bourbon thinks. Rum knows what it is and what it is not; and it doesn’t try to be something it can’t.
Rum is soft.
Rum is supple.
Rum is content.
But Rum is precarious…It is like the disheveled guy at the poker table that everyone thinks is the sucker, but in the end, he walks away not with all the loot (although he could have if he wanted to), but with enough to buy a good breakfast and fill his pockets for a day of mischievous fun. Because tomorrow’s hangover, is well, tomorrow, and today is all he knows. Rum is like a middle child, it has a cool confidence because it knows it is always invited to be a part of some of the best cocktails there are. In the end, Rum delivers a smooth, sweet, soulful, seduction.
Rum IS NOT FUCKING Captain Morgan!!!!
I would recommend you start with a white rum such as Plantation’s 3 Star or Flor de Caña Extra Seco or Rhum Clement Canne Bleue. Once you have found the white rum you like, you can start heading down the rabbit hole that is dark rums. These can be so beautiful and complex. Dark Rums are wonderful to sip year-round. Just some thoughts…Planation Old Barbados Rum, Clement VSOP Rhum, Don Papa Rum 10 Years.
Tequila
Perhaps no other spirit has left a greater trail of destruction than Tequila. Whiskey has taken more marriages, and Gin has taken more careers, but Tequila has probably taken more people’s virginity. But let’s acknowledge that this might not be entirely Tequila’s fault. Right?
I mean when the bar tender says, would you like another and you blurt out “fuck yeah” before she can finish asking you if you want another, that might not be Tequila’s fault.
Or when you are so effing wasted that you are oblivious to the fact that two of your hair extensions have fallen out because they got snagged on the strap of your camisole as you were taking it off so you didn’t splatter barf on it while leaning over the toilet. And now, as you are walking back into the kitchen from the bathroom (where you left your camisole on the towel bar), unaware of the fact that you are rhythmically bobbing up and down like a pirate with a peg leg that is too short because you broke the left heel of your Christian Louboutaine stiletto (attempting to do a cartwheel), you are greeted by a sea of inquisitive faces and curious thrill seekers wondering why you are only wearing a bra, jeans and a pair of stilettos with one heel missing, and then someone says; “hey let’s do Tequila shots!” And you say, “OH, HELLS TO THE YES”. Is that Tequila’s fault?
I don’t think so.
Now, let’s get a few things straight:
Tequila is made exclusively from the piña (not the leaves) of Blue Agave
Mezcal on the other hand is made from any type of Agave
Tequila is produced primarily in the town of Tequila in the state of Jalisco, Mexico
Tequila, like bourbon and other spirits and wine, have strict production laws
It is protected as Mexican Designation of Origin Product (think Champagne and France)
UNESCO designated the region near Tequila a world heritage site in 2006
There is no such thing as a worm in a bottle of Tequila—that is a marketing gimmick and it’s bullshit and has caused so many people to think tequila is cheap and shitty and IT IS NOT!
Aging:
Blanco (white) or Plata (silver): no aging, bottled immediately
Reposado: aged between 2 – 12 months
Añejo: aged between 12 – 36 months
Extra Añejo: aged more than 36 months
History is filled with great ironies, like Beethoven going deaf with he was trying to finish his greatest symphony, (the 9th). Or that Gunpowder was invented in the 9th century by Chinese alchemists who were attempting to find an “elixir of immortality”. (Just think of the mortality gunpowder has caused)
One of the great ironies of the brilliant TV drama Mad Men is that while it rekindled people’s interest in classic cocktails by celebrating the old school cocktail culture and demonstrated the rich soulful elements of the perfect craft cocktail, that very advertising world brought about so many shitty things that have sullied the true spirit of cocktails: such as goddamn Zima, or slogans like “shaken not stirred’, and worms in Tequila bottles. As a result, people are left with the impression that Tequila is a shitty south of the border spirit that left you with a wicked hangover and puke in your hair on that one epic spring break trip.
Well I am here to tell you Tequila is anything but…
To start, just stock your bar with a nice mid-priced blanco Tequila. You can get great Tequilas for $20-30. Sure, you can get sucked into the work of a Don Draper ad man and think you have to buy Petrón or be seduced by George Clooney’s crew with Casamigos (to be fair George is no longer part of it, he already cashed his billion dollar check when he sold it. How lucky can one man be? I mean how many days is the sun going to shine on same dog’s ass?) Instead I’d steer you toward Espolon or Horitos Plata, or my personal favorite Arette (named after a famous horse that won 2 Gold and 1 Bronze Olympic medals for horse jumping). If you are planning on making cocktails vs sipping the Tequila then pass on using aged spirits. The same is true for those “Cadillac” margaritas using “gold” tequilas. That’s is just some huckster who is patting you on your back with one hand while he is taking your wallet with the other. First, you are wasting money. Second, you are wasting the point of the aged spirit. Lastly, you actually want the sharpness of the edge of silver Tequila to give the flavor and punch needed to balance a well-crafted cocktail.
Creative tip: Consider Tequila or Mezcal in place of the usual spirits to riff on classic cocktails such as the Mai Tai, or Manhattan.
Whiskey
Whiskey:
Fuck where do I begin?
(I’ll hold off on my opinions)
If we are going to discuss Whiskey, then we have to discuss Bourbon and Scotch. And we have to talk about Scotland, and Ireland and Canada, and The Commonwealth of Kentucky, and Tennessee. It can get confusing because it is a long and winding tale of low land Scottish farmers, and back woods stills, and taxes, and gentlemen and cowboys, and politics. But that tale will be told at a different time.
I suppose a good place to start is with this simple axiom: all Bourbon is Whiskey, but not all Whiskey is Bourbon.
Whiskey can wear cowboy boots, so can Tequila and Vodka: but not Gin. Whiskey can wear a tuxedo. but not Rum. Whiskey hangs out in honkytonks and attends galas, and tells stories around campfires, and brokers deals at Old Ebbitt Grill. Whiskey can be sanguine while being acerbic. It’s demur, complex, and meaningful.
And it’s fucking awesome.
If you’re going to do this well, you will need buy more than one bottle of Whiskey. But just like Sir Edmond Hillary, every climb begins with a first step. So, here is the deal, buy a Whiskey you like and don’t apologize for it. I like rye, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like Bourbon. There are some amazingly beautiful and rich and complex Whiskies. Be thoughtful about you purchase. If you are planning on making a cocktail then choose a mid-level Whiskey. If you are planning on drinking this neat or using it in an Old Fashioned then consider a nice Bourbon. It’s almost laughable to suggest a Whiskey, it’s like suggesting a man to a woman. “Hey, you should really consider this guy, he is a Greg, college educated, has a good job, but wears tee shirts under his button downs”. In the end you just have to try a bunch before you figure out what you like.
OK fine, put my fingers in a vice, I’ll suggest a few:
Templeton Rye
Mitcher’s
Rittenhouse
High West Campfire
Knob Creek
Basil Hayden’s
Buffalo Trace
And there you have it, how to stock your bar with 5 bottles. But my friends, that is NOT all you need to know. Next time we will talk about modifiers, and ice, and tools, and well, the rest of the story.
