Twenty Year Apple Pie
It's fucking apple season, motherfuckers.
I have lived in Minnesota for the past twenty-five years, and I can say with great authority that there are one or two pretty significant downsides to choosing a life this far north.
Winter, for instance.
Sure, Christmas is pretty. But by the time February rolls around and you haven't seen the sun in 40 days your shoulders are spasming from the constant shivering, you're pretty much over it.
It stops being pretty. The snow is now the color of dirt and half the grocery store parking lot is taken up by a mountain that looks suspiciously like a gigantic poop emoji which you'll be stuck with until Memorial Day.
Once, on a winter yoga retreat, I went out for wine during a snowstorm and almost didn't make it back with all my fingers and toes. My car got stuck in a snowdrift on a dark country road and I sat there for an hour with the car running on fumes and me in yoga pants and fucking backless clogs hoping someone might come along. They eventually did, but not before I got out and, standing ass-deep in snow, attempted to dig the tires out of the snowbank with a shoe.
So yeah, some downsides.
But those downsides are very nearly matched by the upsides of the apple season. No place outside of Eden can match the luscious glory of the Minnesota apple. Minnesota apples are fucking magic.
And apple pie is the best career to which an apple can aspire.
I've been aiming for apple pie perfection for 20 years. Not just the occasional glorious pie but consistent, knock it out of the park, perfect crust, zero drippy fillings no matter what apples or pie dish or phase of the moon, mouth-watering, covetable pie-fection.
And if you are a math whiz like me, you know that 20 years of apple pie = pi raised to the 20th power. Which is 8,681,463,856. Which is a very big number.
The components of a good pie are the crust and the filling. Obvious, sure, but they bear discussing separately.
For a double crust fruit pie, one needs flaky pie crust. You achieve flakiness by having minimal gluten formation and layers of butter between layers of flour. Butter contains water, which steams as the pie bakes, creating the layers that become flakes.
Let us bypass all the bullshit of vodka, vinegar, and all other additives that purport to help you achieve perfect flakiness. Let's go right to technique:
Do not overwork the dough, especially after liquid has been added to the flour
Laminate your crust
WTF does it mean to laminate the crust? Lamination is the process of rolling and folding the dough to bring it together, creating thin sheets of butter within the dough, rather than chunks of butter. This equals layer after layer of brittle flakes that explode on impact, becoming a buttery, appley ticker-tape parade of flavor on your tongue.
Pie crust perfection. It only took 20 years. Whatever.
Lamination legit changed my life.
Now for the filling. I want crisp-tender apples in a matrix of gently thickened apple juice. Not crunchy apples. Not apple pudding. Not runny juice fucking up my bottom crust. To achieve this magic, one must use some sort of thickener, the most common being flour or cornstarch.
I don't like using flour. You need to use a lot in order for it to work as a thickener, and I don't like the slight grittiness it leaves in the filling. I prefer the texture of a filling made with cornstarch, but cornstarch comes with one huge drawback. If the filling does not boil - all the way to the center - that shit won’t thicken. A relatively small or thin pie will come up to temperature in the center pretty quickly. Not so for a 10 inch deep dish pie. In order for the center of the filling to boil you'll have to cook it long enough that either your crust will overbrown, or the apples will overcook, or both.
One solution, or course, is to bake a smaller (or thinner) pie.
Fuck that.
My solution is to make science work for me, rather than against me. I give the apples and their juices a quick shot of heat on the stovetop before piling all that lusciousness into a crust for the final bake.
Downside: one more pan to wash. Upside: 1. Apples tossed in browned butter, motherfuckers! 2. Perfect filling no matter the kind of apples, no matter how many.
That means consistency. No more holding your breath, palms all sweaty as you cut that first slice after Thanksgiving dinner thinking, "Shit. Maybe the apples were too juicy this year. Did I add enough cornstarch? Am I going to look like some B-list chump?"
Nope. You slice that shit and lever it onto a plate smiling the whole time, never once breaking the gaze of your mother-in-law or boss or smart ass neighbor. As they ooh and ahh, you just shrug and say, "Oh, this old thing? I just threw it together."
But you’re really thinking, “Welcome to fucking apple season, motherfuckers.”
Shit You Need
Pie crust:
13 ounces all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1 tablespoon sugar
12 tablespoons (1 1/2 sticks) very cold unsalted butter, cut into 1/2 inch pieces
1/3 cup very cold vegetable shortening, cut into pieces
1/2 cup ice water.
I add a few handfuls of ice to a 2 cup pyrex measuring glass, give it a good stir, and set it aside as I throw the rest of the crust together. Once I am ready, I measure 1/2 cup in a 1 cup measuring glass, then add it to the rest of the ingredients.
Filling:
About 8 apples, peeled, cored and sliced into quarters, then each quarter sliced into thirds - or halves if they are small apples. You are aiming for 2 1/2 pounds of apples slices when all is said and done.
Let’s take a moment to talk about apple choices. My sweet spot (haha, see what I did there) is a combination of mostly one sweet/tart/firm/juicy variety like Honeycrisp, Sweetango, First Kiss (Rave), Haralson, or Zestar. To these I add one small granny smith apple (for pectin) and one golden delicious. That golden delicious will break down and add an applesaucey matrix around the other apples.
5-6 ounces sugar, depending on the sweetness of the apples
Pro tip: taste the apples
1 1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp freshly grated nutmeg
1 1/2 ounces cornstarch (about 3 generous tablespoons)
3 tablespoons unsalted butter
A few tablespoons of milk, to brush to top of the pie
Extra sugar mixed with a bit of cinnamon, for dusting.
First kiss (Rave) apples, one Golden Delicious, and one Granny Smith.
Keep Calm and justeffingcook
Pie crust:
Position a rack in the upper 1/3 of the oven and preheat to 425 degrees Fahrenheit.
Add the flour, salt, and sugar to a large mixing bowl and whisk together.
Working quickly with your fingers, cut the shortening into the flour mixture until it looks like coarse sand.
Add the sliced butter and again, using your fingers, smush the pieces flat. Some pieces will break, others will flake. It’s fine. Don’t overdo it.
Make a well in the center and pour in the ice water. Yep, I do it all at once, and the whole thing. Because I know it’s going to work, that’s why.
Still using your fingers, toss the water in with the flour mixture, scooping along the bottom a bit to get the finer bits of flour. Once it starts to haold together a little, you’re done.
Dump the flour mixture onto a lightly-floured rolling surface, Using a dough scraper, corral all the bits the best you can. With a floured rolling pin, roll that mess in into a vague rectangle.
Using the dough scraper, lift up one short end and fold it to the other side. Corral the strays, get butter bits off the rolling pin and re-flour it, and roll the folded dough into a slightly less messy rectangle.
Repeat until the dough holds together and you’ve completed four or five folds. Cut the dough in half, make two rough disks, wrap in plastic wrap, and refrigerate at least an hour, or up to a day.
Filling:
Add all the apple slices to a large mixing bowl.
To a smaller bowl, add the sugar, spices and cornstarch and whisk together.
Add the sugar mixture to the apples and mix well. Let them sit, mixing occasionally over the next 15-20 minutes, until the apples have released some juice and they are now coated in a runny, sugary mess.
While the apples sit, add the butter to a large skillet or dutch oven and heat over medium high heat, swirling as the butter foams. Turn down the heat as needed so that the butter doesn’t burn but rather turns golden brown and smells nutty and awesome.
Add the apple mixture and turn the heat to high or medium high, aiming for the juices to bubble and thicken before the apples cook much at all. This should only take 2 or 3 minutes. Set aside and let cool to room temperature.
After tossing the apples, sugar, spices and cornstarch in browned butter, the house smells exactly like a hug feels.
Assembly:
Roll out the larger of the two disks of dough to 1/8 inch thick. Tease up an edge, roll it onto your rolling pin, transfer to the pie plate and unroll. Gently ease the dough into the pie plate without stretching it.
Leaving 1/4 to 1/2 inch overhang, cut off excess dough.
Top with the apple filling. If your pie plate is like mine, it will be slightly mounded above the rim toward the center.
Roll out the other crust to 1/8 inch thick and using the same method, release it onto the top of the pie. Leave 1/2 inch overhang and cut off excess. Fold the two edges over one another and crimp decoratively.
Cut slits in the top of the pie crust to allow steam to escape.
Using a pastry brush, dab the top crust with a little milk.
Dust with cinnamon sugar.
Bake at 425 degrees for 15 minutes.
Turn the oven down to 350 and bake for 30 minutes more. Keep an eye on the crust to be sure it’s staying in golden territory, rather than going full charcoal. If you see danger looming, cover the offending pie parts with aluminum foil.
Let cool before slicing. A little warm is okay - you should be able to rest the pie plate comfortably on your palm.
Serve with the ice cream of your choice, and with pride.
Awaiting the top crust.
Next, brush the top with a bit of milk, and sprinkle with cinnamon sugar.
Begging for some ice cream. Vanilla, caramel, and cinnamon are all good bets.
